Last week my daughter got her 90-day chip. FOUR TIMES!
We go to four AA/NA meetings every week and she wanted to celebrate with each of the groups.
I love her excitement! And I am glad she is giving back three of the 90-day chips. :)
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
i'm seeing a pattern here
At last night's alumni meeting, we found out that one of my daughter's friends was going back to rehab that night. We don't know exactly what happened but I knew from what my daughter had told me about this young man, that even though he was sober, he was struggling. He attended the alumni meetings but was refusing to do any other AA/NA work, including getting a sponsor.
I didn't realize until last night who this young man's mother was, a single mom I had seen several times in the parents' support meeting. She was very frustrated and angry about her son's addiction and refusal to do as he was told. I had heard people telling her in meetings that she needed to go to Al-Anon (support for family and friends of alcoholics/addicts) but as far as I know, she hadn't gone.
And then I put two and two together. Her life is out-of-control from trying to control her son and the adddiction (see my posting about Step One). She needs to learn to disengage with love, a key principle of Al-Anon. By going to meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the steps, she sets an example for her son, which will make him more likely to work the program.
The Twelve Steps isn't just a program; it is its own country. It has its own language, philosophies, culture. If you love an addict who is in Twelve Step recovery, you have to move with them and live in this new land of sober living. Learn the language. Embrace the culture.
One of the parents said to me last night, "My son didn't 'get it' until he went through rehab twice. Maybe this time it will work for [this young man]." I can't help but hope that his mother will continue coming to the support group while her son is away from home and that she will 'get it' this time too.
I didn't realize until last night who this young man's mother was, a single mom I had seen several times in the parents' support meeting. She was very frustrated and angry about her son's addiction and refusal to do as he was told. I had heard people telling her in meetings that she needed to go to Al-Anon (support for family and friends of alcoholics/addicts) but as far as I know, she hadn't gone.
And then I put two and two together. Her life is out-of-control from trying to control her son and the adddiction (see my posting about Step One). She needs to learn to disengage with love, a key principle of Al-Anon. By going to meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the steps, she sets an example for her son, which will make him more likely to work the program.
The Twelve Steps isn't just a program; it is its own country. It has its own language, philosophies, culture. If you love an addict who is in Twelve Step recovery, you have to move with them and live in this new land of sober living. Learn the language. Embrace the culture.
One of the parents said to me last night, "My son didn't 'get it' until he went through rehab twice. Maybe this time it will work for [this young man]." I can't help but hope that his mother will continue coming to the support group while her son is away from home and that she will 'get it' this time too.
the light seems to be getting brighter
On Tuesdays my daughter and I go to the support meeting for alumni of the residential treatment program (kids who have gone through it and been discharged) and their parents' support meeting.
Last night one of the moms told me that she heard my daughter say to a couple of the boys, "You need to stop smoking. You STINK!" And then she (the mom) said to the other parents, "Her daughter is such a good influence on them!"
Yep, the light at the end of the tunnel is definitely getting brighter!
Last night one of the moms told me that she heard my daughter say to a couple of the boys, "You need to stop smoking. You STINK!" And then she (the mom) said to the other parents, "Her daughter is such a good influence on them!"
Yep, the light at the end of the tunnel is definitely getting brighter!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
angels
I have met some of the most amazing angels recently in the form of parents of addicts. It's almost like I have been welcomed into an exclusive club where the members are warm, loving and supportive and completely dedicated to the same goal as me - to keep my child sober and me sane.
You'll notice I said "MY child" and "ME sane." They listen when I talk, sympathize with and understand what I'm going through, and show me the way when I am frustrated or lost. They also welcome my daughter into their homes, offer to drive miles and miles out of their way to give her rides to meetings and AA events, encourage her, and just generally love on her.
They do this all while trying to support their own kids in their sobriety. I met a dad this week who drives 95 miles ONE WAY to take his son to his favorite NA meeting. He does this EVERY WEEK. A couple of the kids serve on the Young People's AA (YPAA) committees (they have branches at the international, national, state, and regional levels). Their parents drive them several nights a week and almost every weekend to meetings, conventions, fly them to national events, etc etc etc. In most cases, these are working, middle-class parents who have made the commitment to keep ALL kids who are willing, sober.
I feel so blessed to be a member of this club. I look forward to returning the favors and passing on the love that has been so graciously gifted to me.
You'll notice I said "MY child" and "ME sane." They listen when I talk, sympathize with and understand what I'm going through, and show me the way when I am frustrated or lost. They also welcome my daughter into their homes, offer to drive miles and miles out of their way to give her rides to meetings and AA events, encourage her, and just generally love on her.
They do this all while trying to support their own kids in their sobriety. I met a dad this week who drives 95 miles ONE WAY to take his son to his favorite NA meeting. He does this EVERY WEEK. A couple of the kids serve on the Young People's AA (YPAA) committees (they have branches at the international, national, state, and regional levels). Their parents drive them several nights a week and almost every weekend to meetings, conventions, fly them to national events, etc etc etc. In most cases, these are working, middle-class parents who have made the commitment to keep ALL kids who are willing, sober.
I feel so blessed to be a member of this club. I look forward to returning the favors and passing on the love that has been so graciously gifted to me.
choosing my battles
I've been letting my daughter go to her regular NA/AA meetings without me but with other people, like her sponsor and with friends for about a week now. She told me last night that she smoked a cigarette.
My first reaction, and the words that came out of my mouth were, "EWWWW! Why did you do that?"
To which she replied, "I don't know."
"Are you going to do it again?"
"I won't if you don't want me to."
Well DUH!!
I said, "Of course I don't want you to. But it's your body and if you choose to smoke, then that is up to you. But you will not be allowed to smoke in the house or the car and I will not give you money for cigarettes nor will I buy them for you."
To which she replied, "Ok."
End of conversation.
Actually, I've had an on-going conversation in my head about this pretty much since I woke up, but that is the last I will say about this to my daughter.
Is this the right way to handle it? I'm not sure. In the overall scheme of things though, I've decided that cigarettes are not a battle I want to fight today.
My first reaction, and the words that came out of my mouth were, "EWWWW! Why did you do that?"
To which she replied, "I don't know."
"Are you going to do it again?"
"I won't if you don't want me to."
Well DUH!!
I said, "Of course I don't want you to. But it's your body and if you choose to smoke, then that is up to you. But you will not be allowed to smoke in the house or the car and I will not give you money for cigarettes nor will I buy them for you."
To which she replied, "Ok."
End of conversation.
Actually, I've had an on-going conversation in my head about this pretty much since I woke up, but that is the last I will say about this to my daughter.
Is this the right way to handle it? I'm not sure. In the overall scheme of things though, I've decided that cigarettes are not a battle I want to fight today.
so that's how that works
One of my daughter's new friends is a 15 year old boy. Upon discovering that my daughter's sponsor is the woman his sponsor is dating, he replied, "If my sponsor marries your sponsor then I guess that makes us sober brother and sister!"
new friends and a sponsor
At the heart of all 12 Step programs is relationship: first with a higher power and second with other people working the program.
Once school started and IOP ended, I could tell my daughter was feeling lonely. She is an extrovert and is energized by being around other people. Apparently my company was not enough :). I started getting a little worried because she was getting bored and restless.
One of the NA meetings that we attend is for alumni of the residential treatment program that my daughter was in. This is her favorite meeting because it is mainly teenagers, many of them the same age or even younger than my daughter. But even at that meeting, she mainly sat in the back row and didn't socialize with anyone. The other two meetings we go to are "Young People's meetings" but everyone else in the room is in their 20s and older. My 15 year old daughter was too intimidated to initiate conversation with any of those people, and quite frankly, as a mom, I was more than happy about that.
Then two weeks ago my daughter got a sponsor, a young woman I'll call M. The sponsor-sponsee relationship is really interesting. Basically, you sit in these meetings and if someone (who has been sober for a year or more) says something that touches you, then you ask them to be your sponsor. As far as I can tell, no one ever says no. You then call the sponsor everyday for the first 30 days. Usually this is a 5 minute conversation about how things are going, it may include a brief discussion of that day's devotional, but mainly it is about getting to know each other and providing support in those crucial, early days of sobriety.
They say in AA that an alcoholic can only hear another alcoholic. I would add to that that a teenage addict cannot hear her parents. In these past couple of weeks since we returned to "normal" life, we had a couple of major issues come up. It was such a wonderful relief to be able to say to my daughter, "Call your sponsor" rather than arguing and feeling like I was banging my head against a brick wall. And each time, after talking to M, she would calm down and be rational to the point that we could talk about whatever was upsetting her.
One of the things M told my daughter to do is, every time she goes to a meeting, she should get the phone numbers of two new people. At first this was an intimidating thought but once the barrier was broken - she made her first friend - a flood of clean and sober kids entered her life. Instead of having a lonely, sullen teenager on my hands, now it's about limiting the time she spends texting and deciding which social activities she will attend on the weekends. This is infinitely preferable to the former situation.
I continue to have, and I suppose will always have, a tiny fear about my daughter's safety and the possibility of relapse. As a parent, how can you NOT be worried when your kid's friends are all recovering addicts? But there is a new maturity about these relationships, an openness that I have never seen before, and this is very reassuring.
Once school started and IOP ended, I could tell my daughter was feeling lonely. She is an extrovert and is energized by being around other people. Apparently my company was not enough :). I started getting a little worried because she was getting bored and restless.
One of the NA meetings that we attend is for alumni of the residential treatment program that my daughter was in. This is her favorite meeting because it is mainly teenagers, many of them the same age or even younger than my daughter. But even at that meeting, she mainly sat in the back row and didn't socialize with anyone. The other two meetings we go to are "Young People's meetings" but everyone else in the room is in their 20s and older. My 15 year old daughter was too intimidated to initiate conversation with any of those people, and quite frankly, as a mom, I was more than happy about that.
Then two weeks ago my daughter got a sponsor, a young woman I'll call M. The sponsor-sponsee relationship is really interesting. Basically, you sit in these meetings and if someone (who has been sober for a year or more) says something that touches you, then you ask them to be your sponsor. As far as I can tell, no one ever says no. You then call the sponsor everyday for the first 30 days. Usually this is a 5 minute conversation about how things are going, it may include a brief discussion of that day's devotional, but mainly it is about getting to know each other and providing support in those crucial, early days of sobriety.
They say in AA that an alcoholic can only hear another alcoholic. I would add to that that a teenage addict cannot hear her parents. In these past couple of weeks since we returned to "normal" life, we had a couple of major issues come up. It was such a wonderful relief to be able to say to my daughter, "Call your sponsor" rather than arguing and feeling like I was banging my head against a brick wall. And each time, after talking to M, she would calm down and be rational to the point that we could talk about whatever was upsetting her.
One of the things M told my daughter to do is, every time she goes to a meeting, she should get the phone numbers of two new people. At first this was an intimidating thought but once the barrier was broken - she made her first friend - a flood of clean and sober kids entered her life. Instead of having a lonely, sullen teenager on my hands, now it's about limiting the time she spends texting and deciding which social activities she will attend on the weekends. This is infinitely preferable to the former situation.
I continue to have, and I suppose will always have, a tiny fear about my daughter's safety and the possibility of relapse. As a parent, how can you NOT be worried when your kid's friends are all recovering addicts? But there is a new maturity about these relationships, an openness that I have never seen before, and this is very reassuring.
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