i'm seeing a pattern here

At last night's alumni meeting, we found out that one of my daughter's friends was going back to rehab that night. We don't know exactly what happened but I knew from what my daughter had told me about this young man, that even though he was sober, he was struggling. He attended the alumni meetings but was refusing to do any other AA/NA work, including getting a sponsor.

I didn't realize until last night who this young man's mother was, a single mom I had seen several times in the parents' support meeting. She was very frustrated and angry about her son's addiction and refusal to do as he was told. I had heard people telling her in meetings that she needed to go to Al-Anon (support for family and friends of alcoholics/addicts) but as far as I know, she hadn't gone.

And then I put two and two together. Her life is out-of-control from trying to control her son and the adddiction (see my posting about Step One). She needs to learn to disengage with love, a key principle of Al-Anon. By going to meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the steps, she sets an example for her son, which will make him more likely to work the program.

The Twelve Steps isn't just a program; it is its own country. It has its own language, philosophies, culture. If you love an addict who is in Twelve Step recovery, you have to move with them and live in this new land of sober living. Learn the language. Embrace the culture.

One of the parents said to me last night, "My son didn't 'get it' until he went through rehab twice. Maybe this time it will work for [this young man]." I can't help but hope that his mother will continue coming to the support group while her son is away from home and that she will 'get it' this time too.

the light seems to be getting brighter

On Tuesdays my daughter and I go to the support meeting for alumni of the residential treatment program (kids who have gone through it and been discharged) and their parents' support meeting.

Last night one of the moms told me that she heard my daughter say to a couple of the boys, "You need to stop smoking. You STINK!" And then she (the mom) said to the other parents, "Her daughter is such a good influence on them!"

Yep, the light at the end of the tunnel is definitely getting brighter!

angels

I have met some of the most amazing angels recently in the form of parents of addicts. It's almost like I have been welcomed into an exclusive club where the members are warm, loving and supportive and completely dedicated to the same goal as me - to keep my child sober and me sane.

You'll notice I said "MY child" and "ME sane." They listen when I talk, sympathize with and understand what I'm going through, and show me the way when I am frustrated or lost. They also welcome my daughter into their homes, offer to drive miles and miles out of their way to give her rides to meetings and AA events, encourage her, and just generally love on her.

They do this all while trying to support their own kids in their sobriety. I met a dad this week who drives 95 miles ONE WAY to take his son to his favorite NA meeting. He does this EVERY WEEK. A couple of the kids serve on the Young People's AA (YPAA) committees (they have branches at the international, national, state, and regional levels). Their parents drive them several nights a week and almost every weekend to meetings, conventions, fly them to national events, etc etc etc. In most cases, these are working, middle-class parents who have made the commitment to keep ALL kids who are willing, sober.

I feel so blessed to be a member of this club. I look forward to returning the favors and passing on the love that has been so graciously gifted to me.